When someone makes a request of me, occasionally I have a very hard time saying no to their request. I’ve been like this for my whole life. I have been trying to make changes on this problem ever since I was about 35 years old, which was about the time I started counseling. In the past, it was much worse than it is now. When I started to make some changes in my life, my counselor gave me an exercise to practice. I went to a clothing store at the mall, went into the suit section of the store, and then when the salesperson suggested that something looked good on me, I would simply say, “I disagree,” if I did in fact disagree. Before I did this kind of thing, I would almost feel obligated to buy something if a salesperson said it would be good for me. In these cases, for me, I’d rather end up buying something I didn’t want instead of saying no to someone. In my head, at least, the damage that I did by buying something that I didn’t need was not as great as the damage of disappointing someone else. I remember that first moment when I said, “I disagree,” to a stranger. My heart was about to pound right out of my chest. I lived with a lot of fear before I started making those changes.
I’m aware that some of you find this kind of idea hard to believe. Why would you ever buy something you didn’t want? That makes no sense. And I agree, now anyway, that it doesn’t make sense. I have no problem saying no to the purchase of something that I’d rather not have.
This problem of failing to be forthright with others creates a lot of serious issues. In some instances, I would end up doing things that I didn’t want to do because I was too afraid to say no. In other cases, I made bad purchase decisions. But there’s an even bigger problem that comes with this kind of behavior. There’s a loss of self in these person-to-person interactions. Since I would not be honest with the other person, they didn’t have a chance to get to know the real me. Instead, I presented an image of a fake person that didn’t really exist. I would pretend to be someone that I was not. In that process, the person that God made me to be was not as visible as the pretend person that I wanted others to accept. That’s why there’s a loss of self in this process.
To avoid this loss-of-self issue, one needs to have the ability to be themselves when they are interacting with others. They need to have the capacity to say yes when they want to say yes, and no when they want to say no. While this comes with the risk of disappointing others, it also comes with the benefit that others will be able to see the real you in the process. Eventually, I did learn to live life without the fear of disappointing others.
In Mark chapter 12, in the story of the greatest commandment, Jesus tells us to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. We are to love God with everything that we have. And we are to also love our neighbor as ourself.
When we love others, we do something that seems similar to what I had been doing earlier in my life — choosing to do something that I didn’t want to do. But there’s a big difference between loving someone and acting out of fear. In the case of fear, a person is trying to prevent a bad thing from happening to them. It’s a self-focused behavior. But when you choose to love another person, it’s other-focused. You make the decision to do something for them that you’d rather not do. For example, you end up sacrificing something that you value, such as your time, your resources, or perhaps your comfort. Something gets sacrificed.
What I’ve found is that before I could make the choice to love others, I had to first learn how to say yes when I wanted to say yes, and no when I wanted to say no. Once I abandoned my fear-driven life, I was able to embrace a life where I allowed myself to be present in my interactions with others. Then, after I knew that I could say no to a request, I had the option to say yes even if I didn’t want to say yes.
When it comes to loving others, including God, we must first have the ability to say no. It is actually that capacity to say no that allows our yes to have meaning.
If you cannot refuse a request, so the yes is not really yours, start with the store. The salesperson said it looked good. I felt obligated to buy it. The damage of disappointing them felt larger than the damage of owning a thing I did not want. Write the request in front of you. Write the answer you want. If those do not match, the yes is the old one.
The exercise was small and public. Say “I disagree” when you disagree. Not a speech. Not an explanation of your whole history. One sentence to one person who does not hold your life. My heart pounded. I lived. You can do the suit-department version with a call, a text, or a counter. I can’t this week. Then do not buy the thing to repair their face.
Love, in this Gospel, is the yes you can still refuse. Until the no is real, the costly yes is fear. After the no has been said once and allowed to stand, you may choose the hour, the money, or the comfort you would rather keep. That second yes is the one that means something. The first one only kept the pretend person in the room.
This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.Drawn from a homily first preached in 2023. 