I did not fully grasp that I was a father until I saw my daughter face to face. She had been born during the night, and I was getting ready to go back to the hospital the next morning. That’s when it finally hit me that I was a father. I was going to be “the dad.” On the one hand, I thought that was fun. Fathers and mothers have a significant impact on someone’s life. And now it was my responsibility to play that role for my child. On the other hand, I knew that the parents make all the rules and the kids have to follow those rules. So finally, I had someone else I could boss around and they’d just do whatever I told them to do.
Later that same day, it dawned on me that I was not the boss. My daughter would tell me when it was time to change her diaper, feed her, burp her. Just for the sake of transparency and my wife’s sanity, I need to let you know that I needed to learn a lot before I would do all of these things. I was not super-dad. Much of the actual work fell to my wife at this early stage of our family’s life.
As my children grew, I did get to work with my wife to set boundaries and rules for our household. It’s a funny thing, really. All of that is not done so that the parents can live a blissful life. On the contrary, all of the regulations are there to help the children develop in a healthy way. So once again, the parents are not the boss of their kids. Instead, they are the service and support crew. When things are working the way they should, parents are there to help and support and ultimately love their children.
One of the saddest things I’ve had to endure in my life was watching a coworker get this wrong. So wrong. He came to work for years sharing story after story about how he put his foot down and forced his adolescent child to comply with his every demand. If what he reported was true, he won every battle in his home. So that kid had no say in listening to music, when they could come and go from the house, the clothes they could wear. No choices.
Now, since I’m talking a little about parenting, I realize that’s like playing on the freeway while blindfolded. I don’t want to give the impression that parents shouldn’t correct their children’s wayward behavior. I’m not making any “this is how you do parenting” statements. I am talking about the philosophical nature of parenting. Good parents are servant leaders, and they make their decisions based on love. It is not loving, for example, to be downright promiscuous. Children need guardrails.
So back to my undefeated coworker. Eventually, his child grew up and moved out and away. Very far away, in fact. To another continent. Later, sadly, his wife died of cancer. His daughter showed up for her mother’s funeral and told her father she would never see him again. My coworker won every battle but lost the war.
In Mark chapter 10, in the story of James and John asking for the seats of honor, Jesus responds to James and John trying to make a power play. They want to be at the top of the organization, just under Jesus. So they say, “Grant that we may sit, one at your right and the other at your left.” In context, they want to be number two and number three in command, still permitting Jesus to be number one.
Jesus responds with an important teaching. First, he points out the nature of authoritarian leadership. “Rulers lord it over them, and their great ones make their authority over them felt.” People living under such a ruler serve the king, and not the other way around.
Jesus tells his disciples that they will not do this. It’s a big smack-down for James and John. Jesus says that greatness comes when you’re the servant. The greatest is the servant of all. Jesus points out that he, as a servant, will give everything, his whole life, as a ransom.
Around the year 2000, I was promoted to a managerial role in a large corporation. My company provided valuable training. I learned about this strange, new, cutting-edge method for management called servant leadership. The very first time someone coined the term “servant leader” was in 1970. Mr. Greenleaf wrote an essay titled “The Servant as Leader.” However, it took a long time before the idea gained so much steam that it would be commonly discussed in corporate America. By the year 2000, some companies had experimented with servant leadership and shared their findings. Researchers concluded that there might actually be something to this idea of servant leadership. Oh, the irony. By the time I started my managerial training, studies showed that companies with more servant leaders had better overall results: better productivity, less toxicity, lower turnover, and much happier employees.
It is likely that at least some of you want nothing to do with servant leadership. It could be the parent who wants to control their child’s every move, the employee who longs for the day when they’re the boss and what they say goes, or the manager who doesn’t listen but instead demands obedience from their employees. If that’s you, then you’re fighting against a philosophy that Jesus endorses in this Gospel. For those that behave like that, it’s not loving to treat other people like that. And it’s not going to end well.
I feel very fortunate that I received the graces I needed to change my attitude about parenting. If I had held my course, my life would be in the tank right now, no question. My coworker gave me a close-up view of that destination, and it’s not pretty. However, even though it seems like a terrible loss to be a servant to others, when done properly, it can be an amazing win. So strange it works like that. Jesus came down from heaven to show us the way. Our lives are so much better when we follow his example. “For the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
If the child in front of you will not fit the map you brought, start with the two jobs. I thought being the dad meant I finally had someone to boss. Later that same day she told me when it was time to change her, feed her, and burp her. The rules my wife and I set later were not there so we could live a blissful life. They were there so the children could develop. Write the rule you are enforcing. Then write who it is for. If it is for your peace and not for their good, it is the first job.
Correction is still allowed. Children need guardrails. This is not a case for letting every choice stand. The test is the one my coworker failed. He won the music, the clothes, and the coming and going. The daughter moved to another continent and, after her mother’s funeral, said she would never see him again. Before you put your foot down, ask whether this battle is a guardrail or a score. If you cannot say what good it does the child, do not fight it this week.
Servant, in this Gospel, is not the child running the house. James and John wanted the seats. Jesus said the great one is the servant of all. One practical step: give one choice that is actually theirs. Music, clothes, or the hour they come home, inside a limit you have already named. Then do the diaper-level thing if they are still young — the feeding, the ride, the listening — without collecting it as proof that you are in charge. The win is not the battle. The win is that they can still come back.
This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.Drawn from a homily first preached in 2021.