He Has Forgiven Me Hundreds of Times

When I was eleven, my brother was about five. He found a tiny frog. It would have fit on a dime. He had it in his hand. He came over to show me. He thought it was wonderful. He wanted to share it.

I looked at the frog. Then I decided to be mean. I closed his hand on it and crushed it.

I knew right away that was a mistake. I have never done anything like that again. I have apologized to him hundreds of times. When we get together I still bring it up. I tell him I am sorry. Every time, he says he has forgiven me and I should forget it. The family rolls their eyes. They have heard this too many times. I have also taken it to Confession.

In my head I know I have been forgiven. My brother has said so. God has said so. In my heart I have not forgiven myself. That is a problem. It puts space between me and the people who already forgave me. It puts space between me and God.

I keep bringing the frog back up after it is finished. Repeating the apology feels honest. It is not honesty. It is a rule I made up. The rule says I am not allowed to receive what was already given.

In Matthew chapter 9, in the story of the two blind men, they call out to Jesus as Son of David and ask him to have pity on them. He heals them. Then he tells them not to talk about it. That sounds strange. His identity was not a secret. They had already named him.

In that time some teachers had added a rule the law did not have. Blind people were being treated as unclean and kept out of the temple. Jesus takes the two men into a house. For people who knew that tradition, the house stands for the place of God. He is not sending them to collect another stamp of approval. He is saying they do not need the extra barrier someone invented.

That is the part that belongs to me. I invented a barrier after the forgiveness had already been spoken. I keep myself outside a house I was already invited into.

If you have been forgiven — by God, or by the person you harmed — and you still feel guilty, you are not the only one. You do not need a better apology. The forgiveness has already been given. This week, think about those times when you feel guilt despite having been forgiven. When that feeling shows up, do not tell the story again. Receive what was already said.

This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.

Drawn from a homily first preached in 2016