Everything I Built Is Heading to the Landfill

I had spent about twenty years designing computer chips when I had this moment. I was driving along a road and I could see off in the distance this large landfill. I wondered how many of the products that I had helped design were now in that landfill.

I happened to be on my way back to the office at that time, and I was about to spend some quality time with a long-awaited computer chip. About three months before that moment, we released the design so that a prototype could be produced. About six months before that, we started working on that computer chip design, and it was a situation where the chip had to be released by a certain date or it would become irrelevant. The schedules in the computer chip world are always brutal, and the executives act as though our very existence depends on the chip getting done quickly, cheaply, and with high quality. So the executive types were always seeking ways to increase the pressure on the engineers to work harder and for longer hours.

One of the big moments in the design of a computer system is when power is applied for the very first time. The first system made is a prototype, and it is treated like it’s worth millions of dollars. I’ve actually been on trips where the sole purpose was to fly to a town where I could receive the prototype as soon as it was created, and then run to the airport so that I could carry this item back to the lab. That kind of effort might save one day on our schedule, and managers seemed to view each day as precious when they’re working toward shipping a new system.

When I’ve been on these trips in the past to carry the prototype from the manufacturing line to the lab, I was all nerve-wracked because it feels like you’re carrying something of unbelievable value. It starts to make you wonder if you’re in a Mission Impossible movie. But nope. You’re just carrying some electronics.

Going back to this day when I had just seen the landfill, we had just received the prototype and everyone was treating it like it was a mound of gold. I was there ready to see if this thing was going to work.

One of the unfortunate aspects of computer chip design is that even though you have all these tools that will let you know that things are hooked up correctly, there’s always some stuff in there that is designed by hand. And that’s where the danger lies. I’ve been lucky enough to avoid the terrible fate of putting a chip-killer bug into a design. But I’ve seen others not be so lucky. Sadly, the chip design world is pretty small, especially today, and that means that the word gets out. Seriously, if someone puts a serious bug into a chip, that really is the end of their chip-designing days. Somehow, all the companies that design computer chips find out, and they’re not hired.

So when a computer chip comes back from the fabrication facility, that’s the thing hanging over everyone’s head. Is this going to be the end of my career? Let’s find out.

Except on this day, when I had been reflecting on all those past designs, all of them equally pressing, equally vital for the company’s wellbeing, equally threatening to one’s career. I wondered, after all of those weekends and late nights, what I was left with. All of those past projects, how many are just junk right now taking up space in the landfill? This current prototype, treated like it’s worth millions, will soon be junk. What is the point of all of this work?

I then thought back to all the relationships that I had created with coworkers. When I walked into that office, I noticed something. While the prototype was supposedly worth millions, it was actually the meaningful and close relationships with people that I had worked with that had enduring value. These relationships, some had been with me for twenty years, some ten, and sometimes just a couple of years. But while all of those projects were destined for the landfill, the relationships would remain relevant.

Then, at that point, I felt convicted. Too often, I put the needs of the project above the needs of my coworkers. Above the needs of my family. And at times, I allowed the stress of the job to drive me so hard, I would be short or grumpy with teammates because their failure to meet my expectations and to meet my needs was becoming too inconvenient for me. How easy it is for us to value a thing, like a prototype, and dismiss something that is vital, like a relationship.

And it’s so strange, because we would all behave as if these prototypes were the most precious thing on the planet. And it’s just a thing, and everyone knew it was going to be in the trash can in just a month or so. So on this day when I walked into work and there was this new prototype that was considered to be all-valuable, I had a different perspective. I tuned into the relationships and focused on those instead of preparing to power up the latest computer chip. I noticed that most of my nerve-wracked anxiety was replaced with peace and calm. I think that’s because I knew that even if my job came to an end that day, I would still have the relationships.

I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but my workplace conversion happened right at the same time that I was coming into the church. And at that time, I couldn’t help but compare the value we placed on our prototypes at work to the preciousness of the Eucharist at church. I was thinking that if the prototype was really as vital as the way we treated it, how much more is the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus? Unlike some piece of electronics, the Eucharist doesn’t degrade over time or go to the landfill. As I contemplated this comparison, I became increasingly surprised by the fact that I could eventually receive the Eucharist once I became Catholic. That’s an astounding privilege.

The Ascension is when Jesus literally lifted off the face of the earth and entered heaven bodily, with his glorified physical body. Before that happened, Jesus told his disciples that he was going to leave so that he could send the Holy Spirit. So we know that his departure has a real impact. He’s no longer walking the face of the earth, and people can’t interact the way that we do today with one another. Yes, we can interact with Jesus spiritually, but it’s not the same as the way the apostles interacted with Jesus while he walked around on the planet. And yet he said that he would be with us always, to the end of the age.

One can argue that there are many ways that Jesus is with us aside from the Eucharist. Perhaps people can say that Jesus is with us when we read the Bible, or when we gather in prayer, or even when we feed the hungry or clothe the naked. And yes, all of those things are true. But the difference between these ways of being with Jesus and the Eucharist is like the difference between looking at a candle flame from a distance and feeling the candle flame on your hand. Both are experiences with the candle flame, but one has a better chance of affecting you than the other.

Which is why I want to come back to relationship. When the apostles watched Jesus leave earth and ascend to heaven, what were they left with? All those years of living with Jesus here on earth, and doing all the things that they did, what did they have after he left? Their relationship with Jesus remained intact and would stay with them regardless of the upcoming hardships as they continued their ministry.

Jesus is with us just as he said he would be. Jesus is with us in the Eucharist in a most profound way. God himself desires a relationship with you. God desires to affect you as much as you’re willing to allow. Placing yourself before the Eucharist, preparing yourself to receive it, and opening yourself to the graces will change you in profound ways. Perhaps most of all, your relationship with God will grow and develop, and that will be an enduring treasure.

If the thing on the bench is being treated as if the company, and your career, depend on it, start with the landfill. I could see it from the road. I wondered how many of the chips I had helped design were already in it. The prototype in the lab was being treated like a mound of gold. Everyone knew it would be in the trash in a month or so. Write the object. Write where it is going. The weekends and the late nights do not change that destination.

Then write the person you have been short with because they were inconvenient to the object. I put the project above coworkers and above my family. I was grumpy when they did not meet my need. The relationships in that office had lasted twenty years, ten years, a couple of years. The chips had not. Before you power the thing up, do one thing for one of those people that is not about the schedule. The day I did that, the nerve-wracked feeling dropped. Not because the bug was gone. Because the job ending that day would not have taken the people.

The Ascension is the same comparison. Jesus left. The apostles were not left with the years of walking around as a product. They were left with the relationship. The prototype is the thing. It will be junk. Do not treat a coworker, or your family, as something you can use up to protect the prototype.

This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.

Drawn from a homily first preached in 2023.