The Yes You Gave Them and the No You Gave Her

In southern Idaho in August it is hot, dry, and dusty. The air is about 10 percent humidity. The daytime temperature sits around 100. The sun is hard. In that elevation you can burn in a few minutes.

When we lived there, Cynthia asked what I thought about tent camping in that desert in August. I said, “Absolutely not.” A weekend outside, covered in sunscreen, dust sticking to the cream — I did not want it. She thought we could still have some fun. I was more interested in avoiding the discomfort.

Then our family friends asked if we would join them tent camping in the same heat. I said, “Of course. That sounds like a great idea. It will be fun.”

I said no to my wife and yes to the friends, almost in the same stretch of days. That annoyed her. It should have. It sounds worse to me now than it did twenty years ago. That is what I did.

I was a people-pleaser with most people. Not with her, and not with our kids. With the friends I was afraid they would drop us if I told the truth. I wanted to belong. I was willing to sit in the dust all weekend to lower the chance they would reject us.

With Cynthia I was not afraid she would leave if I was honest. So I gave her a real no. I gave the friends a yes I did not mean. That yes was not kindness. It was fear.

A people-pleaser makes the choice from fear. The fear is usually rejection. You say the thing that keeps the room calm. The people closest to you often get the honest answer. The people whose approval you are buying get the false one. The marriage keeps the bill.

The work, if you are recovering from this, is to tell the truth even when someone may walk away. That is hard. It is also how a relationship gets a real floor under it. If a person only stays because you keep saying yes, you do not have the relationship you think you have.

In John chapter 6, in the story of Jesus as the bread of life, he speaks plainly. People are already complaining. They want to know how he can give them his flesh to eat. He does not soften the sentence. He makes it stronger. Later in John chapter 6, many of them leave. He lets them.

He was not trying to keep a crowd by saying what they wanted. He told the truth and let people decide whether to stay. The ones who stayed did not have every detail figured out. They stayed because they knew him well enough to trust that what he was offering was for their life, not against it.

I am not asking you to settle every question about the Eucharist in this paragraph. I am asking you to notice the pattern. A false yes keeps the room quiet for an hour. It does not build a life. An honest no may cost you someone. It also tells the truth about who you are.

If you can say no at home and still cannot say it to friends, or to church, or at work, name one current yes you do not mean. This week, tell the truth once to the person whose approval you are buying. You do not need a speech. You need a real no, or a real yes, said out loud.

Some people may walk. That is not proof you were cruel. It may be the first time the relationship is standing on what is actually there.

This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.

Drawn from a homily first preached in 2024.