At this time of year, most of southern Idaho is hot, dry, and dusty. The humidity is about 10 percent while the daytime temps are around 100. Something that I’ve noticed about Tennessee is that it’s much harder to get a sunburn here when compared to southern Idaho. In the higher elevations of southern Idaho, a sunburn is possible in just a few minutes. With very little atmospheric water between you and the sun, the UV is so intense. It’s like being in space.
Which is why, back when I lived in Idaho, when my wife asked me what I thought about tent camping in that kind of desert in August, I said, “Absolutely not.” To be outside, nonstop, all weekend, loaded with sunscreen cream, the dust in the air sticking to the skin, no thanks. So even though she thought we could have some fun with our camping activities, even though there would be some discomfort, I was more willing to forego the fun to avoid the discomfort.
But here’s the thing. At that time in my life, I was a major people-pleaser. Well, I was a people-pleaser to most people, except my wife, or kids. So of course, when our family friends asked if we would join them tent camping, in the dry, dusty, hot areas of southern Idaho, I would say, “Well, of course, that sounds like a great idea! It will be fun!” If you are guessing that me saying “No way!” to my wife while at almost the same time saying “Absolutely yes!” to our friends was annoying to my wife, you’d be right. For some reason, it sounds much worse to me today than it did to me twenty years ago, but that’s what I did.
Here’s the deal with people-pleasers. When they are in their people-pleasing mode, they are making decisions out of fear. For me, when my friends asked if we could go tent camping, I responded out of fear that they’d reject us for not going along with their plan. And for me, I wanted acceptance and belonging. I was willing to accept a great deal of discomfort in order to reduce the risk of rejection.
However, when my wife was asking me about tent camping, I was not in a people-pleasing mode, because I didn’t fear that she would reject me for being honest and authentic. So I responded to her with an authentic no. To our friends, I responded with a fear-driven, self-centered, inauthentic yes.
In the work that I do, I’m able to see that I’m not the only recovering people-pleaser walking around. There are many of us. The struggle for us is to put down our self-centered focus of responding out of fear and instead learn to face those fears head-on by responding authentically, even if that means that others will reject us for being honest. Eventually, with enough work and risk-taking, the people-pleaser learns that if someone wants to walk away from them because they don’t like their honesty, then it’s really for the best for everyone involved. Those who speak authentically, saying yes when they mean yes, and saying no when they mean no, have relationships with others that are based on who each person really is. The relationships have a solid foundation.
In John chapter 6, in the bread-of-life discourse, Jesus is teaching with tremendous authenticity. There is a great deal of rejection coming for Jesus after he speaks this plainly. What he is saying is hard to hear, but he chose to speak very plainly and allow his followers to reject him for it.
“Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you.”
At this point in the Gospel, Jesus is responding to the complaints that he was receiving from the Jews. They wanted to know how Jesus could give them his flesh to eat. While there’s a little bit lost in the English translation, the Greek words transition from phagein, meaning the simple act of eating, to a more intense trogein, meaning gnawing or chewing. So Jesus intensifies his message rather than water it down. He is speaking with complete authenticity.
Now, I do believe that the people who were listening to Jesus were not listening very well. Jesus was telling them that he is the bread that came down from heaven. This whole discussion from Jesus was kicked off because the Jews were asking Jesus to do the sign. The Jews knew to expect their messiah, and they could tell that Jesus was doing all the miracles needed to confirm that he was the messiah. There was just one thing missing, and that was to do the sign where the bread would come down from heaven. Moses, when he was in the desert, was associated with the manna that would come down from heaven. The Jews knew that the new Moses, the messiah, would also make bread come down from heaven. They knew to expect that.
Jesus is telling them that the bread that he offers is not the same as what they expected. “Your ancestors ate the manna and still died.” Jesus says that those who eat the bread that comes down from heaven will live forever. His followers that stuck with him in all of this didn’t know how he was going to make this happen, but they had a close enough relationship with him to know that he could do whatever was necessary to make it happen. And that it would be good for them. So they stayed. They followed.
We get to see this very thing happen. When the priest consecrates the Eucharist, that becomes exactly what Jesus is talking about here. It is the bread that comes down from heaven. Those who eat this bread will live forever. The Church spends several Sundays on this bread-of-life discourse in the Gospel of John, chapter 6. The Catholic Church wants to emphasize the importance of what Jesus has done for us in the Eucharist.
The first piece of this, for a person learning to tell the truth, is prayer. Here is the thing about prayer. When we do it, we get closer to God. We can be certain that our God is a God of authenticity. When we pray to God, he will respond, but he will respond with authenticity. He will respond in ways that might be hard to take, but even so, it will be good for us.
When we pray, we tend to be more like those who can better listen to God and what he is calling us to do. We have a better connection, and we are less likely to reject what God has for us.
When we pray to God authentically, we are giving a part of ourselves to God. We can say to God, here’s what I have for you. I’m pretty certain that any kind of authenticity is good, even if you’re angry at God and what God has allowed to happen to you or your loved ones. Put God on blast if you really want to. He can take it. In the end, you’ll end up being closer to God.
It forms this wonderful life-giving, uplifting circle. We give to God in prayer. We come to church, placing our whole selves before God. With the Eucharist, God gives back to us. Our spiritual life grows. Over time, the relationship deepens on this authentically driven solid foundation.
If you said yes to them and no to her, start by writing both answers. To my wife, about August camping in the Idaho desert: absolutely not. To the friends, the same weekend: of course, that sounds fun. Those two sentences cannot both be true. The second one was fear of rejection. The first one was the actual answer.
Give the house the sentence you already gave the room, or give the room the sentence you already gave the house. One weekend. One plan. Do not manage both. If they walk away because the no was honest, that is the information. The relationship that required the performance was not built on who you are.
Jesus did not water the sentence down when it got hard to hear. He intensified it, and some left. You are not being asked to enjoy every no. You are being asked to stop keeping two answers. Pray the true one first, even if it is angry. Then say it to the person who has been getting the other version.
This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.Drawn from a homily first preached in 2024. 