Back in the ’80s, as I started my undergraduate journey, little did I know that the choice of my dorm would profoundly impact my life. Each dorm had its own focus, some emphasizing academics while others offered frequent alternatives from study. The dorm I chose played an important role in constructing an awe-inspiring bonfire every year. The sheer magnitude of this bonfire is hard to grasp — 45 feet in diameter, over five stories tall, and composed entirely of tightly stacked pine trees. The official point of the bonfire was to cheer on the football team as they faced our rivals at the end of the season.
While all of the students at the university were invited to participate in this activity, and to be sure, many students from other dorms did participate, it seemed to be the case that all of the people in my dorm participated.
They were very enthusiastic about starting their Saturday mornings at 4:30 a.m., harvesting trees and loading up trucks that transported them to the bonfire site. This project stretched from October to the all-important rival football game in late November, involving numerous weekends of hard work. While I did find some enjoyment in the gritty, dirty, sweaty labor and the sense of accomplishment it brought, I also felt pressure to conform and participate. I felt fear when I considered going against the grain, and I worried about the problems that I would make for myself should I choose to do something different with my time. The potential consequences weighed heavily on me.
My response to others asking me to spend my Saturday mornings doing what they wanted me to do would be what I would call “obey.” Out of fear, I made the choice to say yes when I truly wanted to say no. It’s a fear-based, self-oriented response to a request made by others. This kind of response led to a loss of self, denying my true desires and needs.
But there’s another way to respond to others. It involves saying yes when you genuinely want to say yes, and no when you genuinely want to say no. I call this a self-assured way of responding to others. In this case, there is no loss of self, because you are allowing others to see what you want to do and what you’d rather not do. It is not a fear-based response. It’s a healthy and authentic way to interact with others.
However, there exists yet another way of responding to requests — one that transcends both the self-assured way and the loss-of-self way. It is the choice to do something you may not want to do, not out of fear or obligation, but driven by a genuine concern for others. In this form of response, you give willingly, considering their well-being and what is good for them.
It’s vital to understand that one must first have the capacity to respond in a self-assured way to requests before they can choose to give. When they choose to go against their personal desires or needs, they have attained at least some level of self-mastery.
Tragically, a few years after I graduated, the bonfire for that year fell over around 3 a.m., a few days before the big football game. Word of the accident spread throughout the campus within minutes, and students rushed to the scene. Notably, the entire football team was there right away, and they joined in the effort of removing logs in hopes of saving lives. I recently heard a talk by one of those football players, and he said that they witnessed some bad things that morning. They worked hour after hour, each of them taking on scrapes and small cuts from logs. It wasn’t fun work, and it wasn’t something that they would have wanted to do for their own sake. But they did it anyway because they hoped that they’d help someone make it out alive. It’s a powerful example of self-mastery.
In Matthew chapter 9, in the story of the harvest and the sending of the Twelve, Jesus speaks of the abundant harvest and the scarcity of laborers. Jesus makes a request of his apostles. He asks them to go out as laborers and do the work of spreading the Gospel. They have several options on how they might respond to his request. They can respond out of fear, a loss of self. They can do what they prefer, self-assured. Or they can give selflessly for the good of others, self-mastery. While the particular mission at the time given in the Gospel is pointed at the twelve apostles, it eventually is explained that Jesus wants all of his disciples to both follow him and to be a part of the mission to spread the Gospel. In other words, he asks all to be laborers. And so all of us must discern our response. I admit that I have said no too many times before eventually learning to respond by giving, saying yes when I’d rather say no.
There’s something that I want to get across here that may be challenging for some. One possible way to communicate the concept is this: you cannot say yes if you cannot say no. Or, to offer a little more clarity, you cannot meaningfully say yes if others refuse to accept your no.
If you accept that idea, then it follows that you must have the freedom, the capacity, to say no when you prefer to say no, even to what God is asking you to do. If you respond to God out of fear, then it becomes a self-centered response, and it ultimately works against you. Fear drives resentment, which in turn builds anger, which then poisons relationships. God does not want his relationships poisoned. Instead, he wants one where you are free to be yourself, the person he created you to be. And yes, to be someone who can ultimately give of themselves. However, before you can achieve that kind of giving, that kind of self-mastery, you must first learn to be self-assured, where you say yes to what you want to say yes to, and no to what you want to say no to.
The choices we make in how we respond to the requests of others hold great significance. We can obey out of fear, losing our true selves. We can be self-assured, honestly expressing our desires. But beyond these, there lies the path of self-mastery — the choice to give selflessly for the well-being of others. Before achieving self-mastery, we must first attain self-assuredness. You cannot say yes if you cannot say no. God calls us to be free from fear, to embrace who we are, our true selves. And then, from there, to master ourselves by building relationships based on genuine giving.
If your yes to the group is still fear, start by naming which of the three responses you actually used. I said yes to 4:30 on Saturday because I was afraid of the problems a no would make. That is obey. That is not the gift. Write the request, and write the answer you wanted. If those two do not match, the yes was not free.
The next step is one no that is allowed to stand. Not a speech. Not a no you take back when the room gets quiet. One request this week that you decline in a plain sentence. I am not coming Saturday. You cannot meaningfully say yes if the people around you will not accept that no. If they punish the no, that is information about them. It does not turn the fear-yes into love.
Only after that no is real do you look for a yes you do not prefer. The football players did not want the logs. They went because someone might still be alive. That is the third response. It is not available while the first one is still running the house. Pick one costly yes that is for the other person, and say out loud why it is not fear. If you cannot say that, it is still the Saturday morning. Do not call it self-mastery yet.
This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.Drawn from a homily first preached in 2023. 