Responding Out of Love and Not Out of Fear

Back in the 1980s, as I started college, I did not know that the dorm I chose would mark my weekends for years. Each dorm had its own focus. The one I chose helped build the campus bonfire every year. The size of it is hard to grasp: forty-five feet across, more than five stories tall, tightly stacked pine. The official point was to cheer the football team before the rivalry game at the end of the season.

All students were invited. Many from other dorms came. It still seemed that everyone in my dorm participated.

They were enthusiastic about Saturday mornings at 4:30 a.m., cutting trees and loading trucks. The work ran from October to the game in late November. I did find some enjoyment in the dirty, sweaty labor and the sense of accomplishment. I also felt pressure to conform. I felt fear when I thought about going against the grain. I worried about the problems I would make for myself if I chose something else with my time.

When others asked me to spend Saturday morning the way they wanted, my response was what I would call Obey. Out of fear I said yes when I wanted to say no. That kind of yes is self-oriented. It led to a loss of self. I was denying what I actually wanted and needed.

There is another way to respond. Say yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no. I call that Self-Assured. There is no loss of self, because other people get to see what you want to do and what you would rather not do. It is not a fear-based answer. It is an honest way to deal with a request.

There is a third way. You do something you may not want to do, not from fear or obligation, but because you actually care about the other person. You give willingly, considering their good. I call that Self-Mastery. You cannot skip to it. You have to be able to give a self-assured answer first. If you cannot say no, the later yes is still fear wearing better clothes.

Tragically, a few years after I graduated, the bonfire for that year fell over around 3 a.m. a few days before the big football game. Word of the accident spread throughout the campus within minutes, and students rushed to the scene. Notably, the entire football team was there right away and they joined in the effort of removing logs in hopes of saving lives. I recently heard a talk by one of those football players, and he said that they witnessed some bad things that morning. They worked hour after hour, each of them taking on scrapes and small cuts from logs. It wasn’t fun work, and it wasn’t something that they would have wanted to do for their own sake. But they did it anyway because they hoped that they’d help someone make it out alive. It’s a powerful example of Self-Mastery.

In Matthew chapter 9 and chapter 10, in the story of the harvest and the sending of the Twelve, Jesus speaks of a plentiful harvest and few laborers. He asks the apostles to go out and do the work. They have the same three options: answer from fear, answer from preference, or give for someone else’s good. The particular mission that day is aimed at the Twelve. It later becomes clear he wants all of his disciples in the work. So all of us have to discern our response. I have said no too many times before I learned to give — to say yes when I would rather say no.

Here is the sentence I want to get across. You cannot say yes if you cannot say no. More clearly: you cannot meaningfully say yes if others refuse to accept your no.

If that is true, you must have the capacity to say no even when the request is serious — even, in prayer, when you think God is asking. A yes from fear is still centered on you. Fear drives resentment. Resentment builds anger. Anger poisons the relationship. God does not want that. He wants a relationship where you are free to be the person he made. From there you can give. Not before.

If your yes to the group is still fear, start by telling the truth about last Saturday, or last week’s request. Write the sentence you actually wanted: I do not want to do this. You do not have to send it yet. You do have to know it is yours.

The next step is one honest no in a place that will not end your life. A shift you can skip. A committee. A favor that was never yours to carry. Say it without a speech. If the other person will not accept a no, that is information. A yes they will not let you refuse is not a gift.

The third kind of yes — the gift — is available only after that. You may still get up at 4:30. You may still do hard work you would not have chosen. The difference is that you chose it. If you are not there yet, do not baptize the fear-yes and call it love. Learn the no first.

This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.

Drawn from a homily first preached in 2023.