I Thought I Had Found a Way Out

Cynthia and I were preparing to move to Tennessee. I was retiring from engineering. We were moving close to my daughter Monica and her family so that we could spend more time with them. The timing depended on when the house and the cabin sold, so we did not yet know how many weeks we had left. I knew I was losing the life I had. I hoped the move was God’s will. That hope is easier to say than to trust, so I want to tell a story from 2011, another time I was sure I was about to lose the life I had.

The story is how I found out that I was to enter the diaconal formation program. It is not the move. It happened six years earlier. One day back in 2011, I had an odd sensation or sense that I needed to become a deacon. I was perplexed because I knew that people like myself do not become deacons. So I did the reasonable thing and ignored the feeling. The next day that same sensation returned, but this time a little stronger and a little more urgent. This continued daily for a couple of weeks until it became so strong and so distracting that I was starting to have a hard time functioning. I did tell God that this was craziness, but it wouldn’t stop. So I decided to trick Cynthia into shutting the door on the whole idea. First, a little background here. Cynthia and I had a routine that was working quite well. Every eight weeks or so, I would come up with an outlandish idea and then ask Cynthia what she thought about it. For example, I might say, “Hey Cynthia, what do you think about riding bikes around the United States for a year?” She always would respond to these ideas by saying, “That’s an interesting idea. Let’s add that to the list, and when we have time, we can see which of these items we really want to do.” It works for me, and I will stop obsessing about the idea and move on. I wanted to do that to this deacon idea. First, I prayed to the Holy Spirit and said, “This deacon thing is nuts, and when Cynthia says what she always says, then this deacon thing is over.” So I asked Cynthia what she thought about me becoming a deacon, and then I looked at her lips because I was so ready for this distracting sensation to leave me alone. And so I got a close-up view of her answer. She said, “I really want that.”

I was stunned, and confused. I knew that the Holy Spirit was powerful, but that was when I found out that the Holy Spirit had way more power than I thought possible. Now I view being a deacon as a tremendous privilege. Back then, it was a privilege I did not want. I really thought I was losing pretty much my whole life when I entered formation. And to some degree, I was right. But it turns out that I didn’t just lose the life that I left behind in 2011. I also gained the life that I have now. I think the biggest gift of formation has been the way it has changed my marriage. Cynthia and I have learned so much about our faith, and that has allowed us to grow closer to each other spiritually. That’s been a huge gift. I wouldn’t want to trade that gift to get my old life back. That would be a bad deal for me.

I’ve come to believe that God has a way of working with us that I think is amazing. Our lives have so many facets, and each and every facet is a place for us to make a decision. Are we going to do this our way or God’s way? While it might sound obvious that we should do things God’s way, I’ve found it very hard to see it that way in the moment. Only looking back do I see how God’s way is the best choice. Going in, it often looks like the bad choice.

In Matthew chapter 10, in the story of the sheep sent among wolves, God’s way sounds like the path to misery and death. What happens to a sheep amongst wolves? It’s not a pretty sight. Being handed over to courts and being scourged, that’s a nightmare. Being hated because you follow God, well, that’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s not a fun experience. And truly, if all you did when choosing to follow God was to lose all of the good stuff in your life and then, in return, get bloodied or executed, if that’s the end of the story, then that’s a bad deal. But there’s more to the story. When we choose to follow God’s way, even though it might seem like a bad deal going in, our lives are going to change in ways that we cannot possibly predict or expect. Plus, you have to add to it the things that are affected by our choices in the life that is to come after this earthly life. We have no idea how much better God’s way will be for us in eternity.

That is the 2011 story. Here is the move. I looked forward to time with the family in Tennessee. I also knew I was losing the life I had, the work and the place. I hoped I was following God’s will. That was my intention. I trusted that, eventually, I would see how the loss was the best choice, the way I can now see the deacon decision and cannot yet see this move.

I’m aware that I’m not alone in this. Change and turmoil come to most of us. A move, a retirement, a call you did not want. This Gospel gives us reason to hope that even though there is difficulty, unpleasantness, and loss, God can guide us and help us to see, eventually, that his way is what is best, what we really want for ourselves.

If the decision in front of you is large, and you want God’s input before you make it, start by writing what you are trying to decide. In 2011 it was whether I was to enter deacon formation. Later it was whether to retire from engineering and move to Tennessee. One decision on the page. Not the whole life.

Then pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance, as I did. I said the deacon thing was nuts. I also said that if Cynthia gave her usual answer, it was over. Her usual answer was the list. She said, “I really want that.” She had not said that about the outlandish ideas. I had just prayed. That answer was not ambiguous. The Holy Spirit is extremely powerful. If guidance is given, trust that you can follow it. Do not explain a clear answer back into the pattern you expected.

If there is silence, that is also an answer about the asking. It means he has not made his will known in this situation. God is plenty capable of making it known if he wants to. The move was that kind of decision. I hoped it was his will. I did not get a sentence like Cynthia’s. Silence is not a puzzle you have to solve, and it is not a no. Feel free to choose what you want for yourself.

This is a pastoral reflection, not clinical care and not a substitute for it. If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 988 or local emergency services.

Drawn from a homily first preached in 2017.